To the Single, Black, Mother

I posted this on a blog that I no longer use a few months ago, but I felt that it was fitting for this blog as well.

I get that a lot of women think that the main problem with Black people is the "fall" of the Black man, but from where I'm standing... It's actually the fall of the Black woman. It's the mothers who raise these Black men, marry them, have their children, and allow them to think that money is the only way. THAT'S the real issue. When we expect a man who was only taught how to be a provider to teach his son something more... You've failed. I truly am beginning to see that it takes a real woman to raise a son. The problem is that either women are looking for a man to do it for them, or they forget the values that prevented their son's father from being their son's role model. All the while, this boy is growing up and seeing you treated with disrespect or allowing others to take advantage of you. They see you giving yourself to a man who has yet to give himself to you. When you had this son... What were the values you intended to instill in them? What possibilities did you see him having? How did you anticipate him being the man you now see his father is not? If you cannot answer these questions... I dare say... You shouldn't have had a child. What values are you now instilling in your child(ren) that they can be better than their parents? What ADVANTAGES have you allotted him that he will be smarter, better equipped than you? These, my dearies are VITAL factors that a mother MUST take into thought while raising a child. Otherwise, your complaints are in vain.

I do not blame the fathers (although they are a SERIOUS disappointment at various times), but I blame the mothers because many times you have not only put yourselves in impossible situations, but you have now passed that situation, that circumstance onto your child. It was YOU who chose to raise a child without truly knowing his father. It was YOU who chose to have sex with this man. It was YOU who chose to say you understand him, but yet have not analyzed (in even the smallest capacity) the relationship this man has with his father & his mother. You have not taken into consideration his values and that someone who values only the visual advantages of money may not be a good person to teach your child the value of hard work and family, community, love, respect... How dare YOU blame him, when you are... raising him? Your son, he is, in essence, the remake of his father. And it is not just the absence of his father, or the lack of participation from his father that has caused your child to have problems. It is the lack of thought, participation from his mother when deciding to create her child. If you allowed yourself to be seduced by whatever this man (or boy, depending on your age) was offering you, then, my dear, that is what you have taught your son to be motivated to have. “A man is only going to do what you allow him to do” I HATE that quote, mainly because… it is true. The problem is… that NO ONE seems to see the problem in that. WHY are we not teaching our sons, the future men, to treat people with fairness and respect, NO MATTER what the person allows you to do? THAT is a problem. I REFUSE to let my son think that treating a girl like a dog is ok if she lets him. You slapping me does not make it right just because I did not do anything to stop you from slapping me. Now, you may say I’m dumb if I let someone slap me. And AGAIN you miss the point. The point is not that I “let” someone do something to me; it IS that they thought it was okay to do it in the first place. People who victim blame, or who say that “you let…”, are only taking away from the real issue, and to me are just in denial of the mistakes that they made.

A child is a WONDERFUL gift. Parents want to make sure that their child has what they were not able to. But in order to do that, you have to think differently. And you should give yourself the chance to grow up, yourself before you put yourself in the position to be responsible for someone else's development. How can you possibly be prepared to teach your child values when you are currently at the beginning stages of developing your own? Why would you do that? A child gives you the opportunity to pass on your legacy, your beliefs, your dreams, to someone else and you waste such an opportunity when you tackle that task too soon. You waste it when you have yet to experience yourself; yet to know who you are or who you can become.

Now, I applaud the women who have managed to raise a child without experiencing any sad repercussions and those women who have been able to raise their child with wonderful values, but for the majority of the single mothers out there... This last note will not be condemning in its nature. Simply put: We HAVE to do better and we HAVE to grow up. Our children are dependent on it.

Using Their Words To "Prove" Your Point Part III

This is my last installment of "arguments" my friends made to prove their point although these same arguments were the ones that were used to keep our ancestors and even our parents in an oppressed state.
Hope you enjoyed these five arguments I attempt to make with a little more time.

Argument #4:
Black people are lazy, unprofessional, and generally unsuccessful compared to immigrants & whites. Now you KNOW this one pisses me off the most. First, I have to say, what characteristics from either of the competing ethnicities'  experiences in the U.S. makes them legit enough to be compared to Blacks in the first place? I don't know of any other ethnicity that was held in slavery for the first 300+ years they were in the U.S., but maybe I didn't learn that in my history classes??? Then to go further. Do NOT take the actions of the Black people from lower SES areas as the actions of the race as a whole. THAT is something White racists do to justify their beliefs. There are certain things that the majority of Black people do because they are Black in America and there are certain things that the majority of Black people do because most of them live in poverty and did not have the same educational or social opportunities as other ethnicities in the U.S. An example you say? Things Black people do because they are Black: they have Family Reunions; they practice egalitarian (equal responsibility) marriages; they probably even have a family member who knows how to cook chitterlings (laaauuugh). Things Black people do because they are probably poor or are influenced by people in the "hood": Speak real "hood" (whether it is the use of ebonics or a loud volume, it is the things); Dress real "hood"; Have an upper-arm tattoo & you're a female (sorry, but it is, lol); wear fronts (and yes, Diddy has done it, but where did he grow up again?? Oh, ok, point proven); and have a significant number of teen or young adult mothers who are not married to the father of their child (and probably never will be). I will say that people from rural areas (aka the country) qualify in this category as well.

Another important thing to consider when this argument is brought up is that the “lazy, unprofessional, and unsuccessful” Black people in which this refers to are usually the outliers. What I call “loud and wrong”. And it doesn’t help that people are looking for us to act this way so when we prove their point they convince themselves that this is fact. The loud and wrong people stand out. You could be in a group of ALL Black people and there is ALWAYS one who is just extra. Makes you look &/or feel bad or embarrassed about yourself, but they are ONE (or two) in the group and the rest of the people in the group are probably chill. Yet, people focus on those extra people. So what if there is an unprofessional cashier at Walmart? The rest of the cashiers aren’t doing anything special, except for their jobs.

Argument #5:
And my one directed towards the women: This one is quite simple... "She did something to make him hit (or rape) her"--- Victim blaming in a society that has significant problems with violence against women (normally at the hands of a man) is NEVER a good look. Although common couple violence DOES exist, even when that is CLEARLY not the case, people still try to find a way to point the finger at the victim. I'm not sure if people realize it or not, but victim-blaming occurs in WAY too many (i will not say most because I doubt I can prove it) cases of intimate partner violence. People do it with rape victims as well, which REALLY makes me angrier. In fact I saw a blog that discussed that people like Natalee Holloway basically put themselves in the position to be raped and/or murdered. That disgusted me. Instead of focusing on the need of the minds of the people who rape and abuse to change, people tell us that we shouldn't have gone out and partied with your friends. I'm a SERIOUS activist when it comes to intimate partner violence & sexual assault so I can go in on this topic, but not for this blog.

The fact is that we often find ways to blame the victim for their circumstance instead of blaming the real culprit. The system, that doesn't educate about how to not be a rapist or an abuser, but definitely tells women how to "avoid rape"; that refused Black people jobs and adequate housing for over half a century; that made Black people feel less than human and therefore making many Black people HATE the system and all of those who enforced it; that refuses to provide an equal education to those in Lower socio-economic status areas. The system and those who refuse to change it or at least try, are the people who are the true failures.

Niggers Niggas & Niggaz

Not only do I love this poem because he discusses reasons why I hate the "arguments" people make for using the word, BUT I also found the comments that people make on youtube under this video to be interesting. It's kind of sad to observe the hate, ignorance, and confusion that people spew out of their... fingers under such a poem. Then it is also interesting to see other people's points of views. I myself use the word, but I also don't make up some kind of reasoning behind it. I simply say that I use it because it has been used so much in my culture. It's like every other profane word out there; offensive in almost every other way, except when it's convenient to say it isn't. Honestly, I feel like the only reason why people use profanity is because everyone else does and the only time they try to come up with an excuse behind why they use it is when people question them or give them reasons why they shouldn't. It's the stubbornness of my generation and the generation before me. *sigh* But either way, I LOVE this poem. Enjoy

Using Their Words To "Prove" Your Point Part II

I've continued with my attempt to make my argument against those who made stupid racism-enforcing arguments. I love my friends dearly, but... They should think more before they speak. Like me. lol

Argument #2:
Black people are a different race---said the White man when he decided we deserved to be in chains AND apparently the Black girl when she said that is why Black men choose to date/marry White women *rolls eyes at both*. But let me tell you why, very briefly.
First things first… Race was created as, not a way of “classifying”, but rather a way of segregating, isolating. I firmly believe that there is one “race”, the human race. All that other -ish is b.s. So when people make this argument I’m probably not going to agree.
What is race anyways? What does it REALLY mean? Are you saying I’m a different species because??? A different form of the same species?? I need to know how it works. Well, actually, I don’t because it’s irrelevant. Especially since there are only 3 classifiable races?? Yea, I’m not buying it, but I fill out the for checking “Black” because I know what it means to me and can only assume what it REALLY means to the people who check that stuff.

Argument #3:
If you give them the right tools, they still wouldn't know what to do with it---said the White man when he kept us in chains for paternalisms sake AND said the Black girl about reasons why Black people in lower SES areas don't deserve equal opportunities for education? Housing? Jobs? I'm not sure exactly what she was talking about, but as you can see, none of the fill-ins seem good. If the other people WITH the opportunities know what to do with it, what makes Black people so "incapable"?? This must feed into the Black people being a different race thing?? *rolls eyes at the ignorance again*