I have not given an update on my "Becoming Me Journey" in several
months. I apologize for that. I've been pretty busy... Becoming me.
For anyone who ever saw my video from when I began this journey you know that my journey is 3 parts.
1) My Natural Hair Journey
2) My Fitness Journey
And... Most importantly
3) My Journey closer to God
Over the past few months I have made mention of my Natural Hair
progress, even creating an album on Facebook. I have also posted
more than a few posts relating to Christianity (mostly Bible verses).
But... I have not made ONE mention of my progress towards my Fitness
Journey.
Why?, you may ask... Well that is because I had made absolutely no
real progress towards that goal. I think back & realize that even
posting my lack of motivation or progress could have been helpful,
but... That would have also been admitting that I just wasn't trying.
Yes, I was in denial. Denial that I really couldn't identify what I
needed to get healthy.
But I was also in denial of something else. I was in denial that I
was afraid to lose weight. Yup, I said it. I was afraid to lose weight.
*woosah*
I've now admitted it. Out loud.
You see, like it or not, once you've carried around some LB's for
most of your life you find yourself making them a part of you. Not just
physically, but they become a part of your identity. Being overweight
has become a significant part of who I have created myself to be. My
weight & a few other things (I'll address those in a Closer to God
update). And yes, I said "created myself to be"... Because I am NOT an
overweight person. I am a person... I am Benita, and I am overweight.
Putting it like that causes some convictions to enter my heart & I
won't dismiss it this time... Or ever again.
You see... My personality, who I am, has NOTHING to do with my
weight. Absolutely nothing. It may be a symptom, but it's not a part of
my identity. I think I'll break down the "symptom" in a future post.
Back to what I was saying... I am overweight & being overweight
has become so much of who I am that subconsciously I was afraid to lose
that part of myself.
I still confront the denial. I tell myself that I'm only going to allow
myself to reach a certain weight and see how I like it before I lose
more.
That's my mind fighting against what my spirit tells me. 50lbs lighter
is scary to me.
What will I look like? Will I still be me?
The answers are, Thinner... And OF COURSE.
But my mind can't yet comprehend that. And if I said something like
80lbs lighter... Oh no, my mind is not ready. My spirit leaps at the
idea, but my body... Nervous immediately.
So I rebuke my body; Remind it that a big part of this journey is
recognizing that I'm not at all who I thought I was; who I tried to be.
I'm Not who I WAS.
Have to continue to stay motivated & Become who God created me to be and no, overweight is not it. Time to embrace who I am!
