Dating Jesus || Don't Let Fear Prevent Praise

This weekend has been crazy. I'm still not sure exactly how i feel, but... I feel much better after writing this.
I can be pretty open, but these past few months have been difficult for me so I've been pretty shut off, hence my not writing. However, these days, in spite of my increased feelings if anxiety, I feel better. Mainly because I'm seeing more and more that if I say what's in my head... I can likely get someone to shine some light and speak some life into me. So my peace increases.
With this, I figured I'd share one of the recent lessons I learned and try to work on continuing my "Dating Jesus" series.
Here ya go and I hope this helps.
Also, I'm going to reference some of the scriptures that are helping me rebuke the lies and embrace His truth.

So... I got a new car yesterday...
And instead of being happy about the blessing that is the ability to be on the road again (including, but not limited to: being able to run my needed errands w/out the task of defeating feelings of pride & guilt, being able to do my job better, AND getting back to receiving my mileage reimbursement) I found myself depressed, disappointed, guilty, and still anxious.

Then today, while expressing my thoughts for the 10th time or so... I realized what was happening...
I was allowing fear to begat fear and, in tern, prevent me from praising God...

I was feeling completely wrong because my action WAS made off of fear so I felt that it was only just that God allow me to fall so I didn't thank Him... At all. I'm not saying that this was all blessed by God, but I AM saying God will bless me.

I'm not perfect. There are times when I have and probably will foolishly ignore wisdom or fall victim to my lack of faith, but God is my Father. He is my guide and He is not in the business of letting me fall [Psalms 55:22, Hebrews 13:5-6]. This may be a lesson, but in the midst of it, I can't refuse to thank God for giving me what I asked for... And ultimately this is Grace activated.

He's over here preparing me and even allowing me to see how I can be better in the future; who i can talk to; how to move forward, but I was focused on things I can't change anymore.

He has given me victory, peace, joy, grace, and He has promised me that all things will work for the good [Isaiah 12:2, Philipians 4:7 Psalms 46:10, Matthew 21:28, Ephesians, Psalms 119:143, Romans 8:28]. I'm NOT going to allow fear to override my praise. I'm NOT going to forget that God is able to do WAY more than I can ask or think [Ephesians 3:20]. And I'm NOT going to forget that God chose Me so He's got me [Romans 8:28-30].

Stay Blessed y'all
❤❤
-Benita

"Be Fat Free" & other Triumphs

Today was a little bit beyond crazy for me. I can't even explain it...

It's funny though because today was the day I decided to start what I needed to, spiritually and physically, to break this cycle that I've found myself in.
I woke up so anxious and scared and ended my day at work more anxious and scared...
And usually I jump IMMEDIATELY into my usual stress eating. No matter the commitment I made. Ignore my goals... I can start over tomorrow, but today...
I made a choice to ignore myself and stay focused. I ignored the desire to go against what I knew I needed because I refuse to lose this battle. I refuse to lose this war.

So... Today... I went to the gym instead (after I winded down with random YouTube videos for a minute) and I wrote and now I'm going to do a little bit of prayer because I NEED those things and I won't be distracted or attempt to manipulate myself into thinking I need something else. I even made it a point not to come home and eat ANYthing immediately because that's still a reinforcement of a lie (the lie that I can actually find comfort in food).

As another little plus for me, this helped affirm for me that I was going to move forward with my plans for the rest of the year.
One fun on is I made another Instagram wholly dedicated to My fitness/health journey. I named it "Be.FatFree" Lol.
Feel free to follow it, just to make me happy. And see the progress I make over these next few... Wait. This is permanent. So... Follow it to see the progress I make... Period 😀

Alright, I'm out. I gotta do this hair now that I've sweat so profusely. 😛

This is just the beginning, but... I'm doing it.

Be Blessed y'all.
😘❤

-Benita

Dating Jesus || In ALL things... Have Grace

If I've learned one thing during my weight-loss journey it is the importance of having grace for myself.

I know this series usually focuses on my relationship with God, but for me, my weight-loss/fitness journey is my visual representation of my walk with Christ. For me, I can see no difference between how I take care of my body & how I worship God. After all, we are called to worship and honor God with our bodies [Romans 12:1; 1 Corinthians 6:20]. So it only makes since that I use this example when talking about grace.

Currently I am in this place in my weight-loss journey that I've seen before. Feeling a little hopeless. Hopeless because of countless attempts to eat better and exercise but I keep allowing myself to be distracted or unmotivated. I fail. And because I keep telling myself that I'm failing or I suck at this, I remain in this pattern of self-hate. And that's unhealthy.

So, I had to step back (and really I have to do this often) and remind myself that I truly can start over at any time. And although I might be operating in fear right now, God has given me grace and victory over anything. I have to remind myself that every error I make is just that, an error. It's a part of the journey and I can't hold onto a false belief that I'm going to get everything right the first time I try. I spent 20+ years creating bad habits for myself. One day won't immediately erase those habits.

You have to have grace and allow for mistakes because in all realness; You're learning how to live again.

The same thing can be said for your Spiritual journey. You're a new creation which means old things are officially in the past, but this doesn't mean old habits just end. It doesn't mean old beliefs that we held on to just go away. And this doesn't mean you will automatically be able to do everything you're supposed to do the first time you try. This is why I choose to emphasize this as a "journey".

Ultimately God intends to work on us as individuals and as a Body until the day Jesus returns [ Philippians 1:6]. This means there will always be areas of growth and improvement. And this means that there will also be times where we fall short or even give up. That's the human in us. The goal, however is that, eventually, we become completely Spirit led.

The thing about that is, we have to put in a lot of effort and time throughout our lives in order to know God's will for us and in order to do His will. Again, this is where error is expected. And this is why God's grace is sufficient. We just don't want to become dependent on Grace when we can do better with His Spirit in us. God's grace is what has frees us from having to live in sin [Galatians 5:13; Romans 6].

So... today, I'm going to walk in God's grace and forgive myself for the mistakes I make along this journey to full health. I will proclaim victory over my entire life because God has graced me with it. And I will NEVER give up on myself because God chose me and adopted me. Because God needs me to help Glorify Him. And God loves me so much that he allowed Jesus to be crucified for me.

I will rebuke any thoughts that attempt to keep me trapped in my old ways and rebuke myself if needed.

I pray that in all things... we ALL experience and dwell in God's grace & glory.

Stay Blessed y'all.

♡♥
-Benita

The Evolution of Lola || Natural Hair Update

I don't think I have given an official update on my hair journey... ever. Funny because I am constantly posting pictures on my Instagram, but in regards to updates on my regimen or goals or even challenges, I haven't done. I have been natural almost 2.5 years (it'll be official on the 27th of this month!) and started my journey almost 3.5 years ago.
Throughout this time I have experienced so much and I figured that it was time to start sharing this fantastic journey with you all.

With my decision to commit to a new routine of taking hair, skin, & nails vitamins, what better time to start?

Periodically throughout 2013 I was taking different brands of vitamins because I really wanted to see if I could see a difference in my hair growth or hair health.

This past summer I did pretty good with being consistent with one brand and as a result I did see an increase in my growth rate. The funny thing is that I usually always see more growth in the summer so I'm not sure if it was the pills or just my usual growth pattern. As such I figured that I should try it now and see if I can see a difference. 

Just to note: I already have a belief that ultimately hair vitamins are vitamins & minerals that are proven to be beneficial to our bodies. Vitamins are made to improve the daily healthy functioning, especially if your regular diet doesn't include your daily needs. With that being said it only makes sense that increasing the intake of certain vitamins and minerals would increase hair growth and/or health. SO I'm taking into consideration that my body, overall will improve by taking these vitamins which adds as an incentive for me.

I'm on a strict budget so Hairfinity and other multivitamins over $15 a month were not considered. Since I still have a few days left of my old bottles (maybe 5,6 more days), I'm going to finish those out then start my new bottle of a different brand.

I'm posting my starting photos as of 2/2/14 (front, side, & back) and each month I will do an update. My hair's uneven so I wanted to be sure I got both sides. I know that it's SO possible for me to forget to take them, especially since I technically still had a few weeks worth of pills from my summer bottle (smh) so I won't leave-out my inconsistency if it happens. 

Below are the vitamins I used last summer as well as the ones I will start using next week.

I'm excited to post my future progress!

I typically grow about 3-4 inches a year (1/2 inch a month) and I will be doing monthly updates so be on the look out.

Wish me luck 

-Benita (:

When Fear Becomes You

Fear is such the little punk. It may just be one of the worst things to exist. It's a catalyst for disappointed, doubt, and self-destruction. And it's also pretty powerful. There have been so many times when I have let fear dictate my life and I realize that it is truly THE struggle.

I've feared failure, judgement, rejection, & even success. It's funny though, because even when I recognize the fear for what it is, I still manage to ignore it and the accompanied need to change my thinking. This, of course, leads to the  originally feared result.
A self-fulfilled prophecy if you will.

Even with me doing my blog, okay, especially with doing my blog... I get afraid of ALL of those things. So, as a result nothing happens and then I get disappointed and mad because I didn't put myself out there. The same can even be said for my weight-loss journey. In the past I mentioned that I feared success when it came to this area and although I reached a few milestones in the past, I let fear (and pride) come back into my life and I've reaped the results.
This has been me for the past few years.

As a writer and as a person I've seen my growth, but I've somehow convinced myself that it's not worth exposing. I've had many successes (and failures), but i allowed doubt to grow in my mind and didn't share what I've veen learning. I love that so many of us have the ability to inspire & encourage one another and I've become passionate about being a part of that. But still... i didn't stay committed.
As this new year gets into full swing I have been increasingly confronted with not only the need to change, but the idea of just working towards fulfilling my destiny.

So... here I am, continuing this journey of destiny fulfillment and I'm making it a point to focus on those things I've grown to be increasingly passionate about through the years. Those things that I've determined I will never give up on, no matter how many times I may fall.
And I'm making it a point to not stress over the things I can't control, but rather I'm just going to be honest and do what I do best.
God has given me gifts & with that I have a responsibility to do what I can with these gifts to glorify Him.

And that is exactly what I intend to do.

2 Timothy 1:7 NLT || For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

♡♥
-Benita (:

Becoming Me: "No Compromising" Season

So… I found myself getting a little too comfortable with being mediocre. Or should I say… I got content with doing nothing exceptional.

When I say this, I’m talking about my fitness journey. But, I’ve mentioned before that there’s a positive correlation to my fitness journey and my relationship with God. In other words… when one gets better so does the other, but on the flip-side of that… when one is bad, so is the other. As such, here I sit, looking at the buttons on this shirt gaping simply because I’m sitting down and I find myself thinking…

Where the heck am I slipping?!

I’ve been noticing my weight gain for the past month, but I’ve pretty much ignored it. Or rather… avoided it, because you can’t ignore your weight gain when you’re a person who stares in the mirror as much as I do (lol) or examines your body as much as I do. You can’t ignore the fact that you’ve started to allow yourself to eat fried food and Cheetos again, after saying how you can’t eat those things right now. And… you can’t ignore the fact that the clothes that you have been complaining about being way too baggy, now fit more than a little too right…

Yea… there’s no ignoring that. So avoided. Yea, I’ve been doing that.

The funny thing is, ok, maybe not “funny”, but the interesting thing is… I’ve been praying about this thing for a while now. As soon as my 4-week gym challenge was over and I decided to take a “break” from the gym, I probably started praying a week after that. Simply because… I never went back to the gym. lol But seriously. I saw the shift occurring in my mind, so, I started praying. It was probably a preventative prayer because clearly I still went weeks without hitting up the gym.

But the issue didn’t just stop with the gym. At the very end of my church’s corporate 3-week fast, I got the urge to listen to secular music. Now, those who are close to me know that I haven’t willfully listened to secular music since about early November, October (except when I went to the Lauryn Hill concert on Nov 28^th). So, when I got the desire to listen to secular music, I immediately questioned, Is this okay? This has GOT to be something the devil is tryna pull while I’m fasting. So I ignored the urge… until after my fast. And immediately I felt convicted.

The thought was Why do you think you have the right to compromise because you finished the fast when before the fast you didn’t?  

I did ignore that voice.

I did ignore that conviction because I wanted it to be okay since it was “just music” and I didn’t understand how others had the ability to listen to it and be okay, but I couldn’t. I’m just condemning myself…

Or so I convinced myself…

The reality was… it took maybe a week of alternating between secular and Christian music (‘cause I have to start my day off with Him in mind) for me to begin thinking about the times I spent listening to those songs before. It took me back to memories that I had actually forgotten about.

And then the voice came back:

You don’t have the right to compromise right now.

I listened this time. Accepted what He was telling me because I didn’t like where the alternative was taking my mind. So I let the music go and went back to my usual rotation, but decided to add some variety to it. Found some good songs on Amazon too. (:

But I was avoiding that other thing… I still wasn’t going to the gym.

The place that I knew I needed to be at if I wanted to, at least maintain my weight. Then my eating habits started getting worse and then shift in the scale exceeded my 5lbs warning zone…

But yet… I still avoided the issue. But, there went that pesky conviction: Why exactly do you think you need to “maintain” anything? You haven’t even hit your SHORT-TERM goal yet? Why would you want to maintain… this?? YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO COMPROMISE! This is NO COMPROMISING SEASON.

Since then the thoughts have entered my mind weekly…

No compromising season.

Don’t get comfortable.

STOP getting comfortable

You don’t have the right to “maintain” anything right now

You need “consistency”, not comfort.

I think the reason I rebuked these thoughts was simple:

laziness and… doubt.

All schemes of the devil.

I found myself questioning why I couldn’t stabilize a little, maintain for a while before I worried about taking the next step?

But, the proof is in the pudding… well the reason is in the product.

My gaping shirt

The increasing number on the scale

My less than healthy appetite

And… in other areas of my life where I have been slacking.

Here I am, questioning why I can’t “maintain”… mediocrity. Why I can’t compromise my form of worship. As if, I have the right to slack on something that is supposed to be my way of glorifying God. I’ve been told before “Don’t lose the revelation” when I found myself in a similar situation last fall, and I guess I lost it again.

I’m human & God’s grace is sufficient so this is not me condemning myself. This is how I

1) motivate myself.  

2) hold myself accountable and

3) hopefully motivate someone else.

Those of us in the journey to lose weight, be healthier, or just change, can often get to a point where we just think This is getting too hard or redundant. So we lose focus, inevitably allowing Satan to enter our thoughts and we lose the revelation of why we started our journeys in the first place.

But when you hold on to what God has told you. When you constantly check yourself, your situation, and remind yourself that your goal is realistic, desired, and in some cases, REQUIRED, for you to be the best you… Then you can decrease the likelihood of losing that revelation and can call out the devil for who he is-- A liar intent on stopping you from fulfilling your purpose.

I say… Access DENIED Satan.

In this life… There’s NO ROOM for Compromising, especially in the Year of the Miraculous…

No… We ain’t got time fo’ dat

Stay Blessed,

Benita Angela (:

Will The Real Benita Please Stand Up?!

I have not given an update on my "Becoming Me Journey" in several months. I apologize for that. I've been pretty busy... Becoming me.
For anyone who ever saw my video from when I began this journey you know that my journey is 3 parts.

1) My Natural Hair Journey
2) My Fitness Journey
And... Most importantly
3) My Journey closer to God

Over the past few months I have made mention of my Natural Hair progress, even creating an album on Facebook. I have also posted more than a few posts relating to Christianity (mostly Bible verses). But... I have not made ONE mention of my progress towards my Fitness Journey.
Why?, you may ask... Well that is because I had made absolutely no real progress towards that goal. I think back & realize that even posting my lack of motivation or progress could have been helpful, but... That would have also been admitting that I just wasn't trying. Yes, I was in denial. Denial that I really couldn't identify what I needed to get healthy.
But I was also in denial of something else. I was in denial that I was afraid to lose weight. Yup, I said it. I was afraid to lose weight.

*woosah*

I've now admitted it. Out loud.

You see, like it or not, once you've carried around some LB's for most of your life you find yourself making them a part of you. Not just physically, but they become a part of your identity. Being overweight has become a significant part of who I have created myself to be. My weight & a few other things (I'll address those in a Closer to God update). And yes, I said "created myself to be"... Because I am NOT an overweight person. I am a person... I am Benita, and I am overweight. Putting it like that causes some convictions to enter my heart & I won't dismiss it this time... Or ever again.
You see... My personality, who I am, has NOTHING to do with my weight. Absolutely nothing. It may be a symptom, but it's not a part of my identity. I think I'll break down the "symptom" in a future post.
Back to what I was saying... I am overweight & being overweight has become so much of who I am that subconsciously I was afraid to lose that part of myself.
I still confront the denial. I tell myself that I'm only going to allow myself to reach a certain weight and see how I like it before I lose more.
That's my mind fighting against what my spirit tells me. 50lbs lighter is scary to me.
What will I look like? Will I still be me?
The answers are, Thinner... And OF COURSE.
But my mind can't yet comprehend that. And if I said something like 80lbs lighter... Oh no, my mind is not ready. My spirit leaps at the idea, but my body... Nervous immediately.
So I rebuke my body; Remind it that a big part of this journey is recognizing that I'm not at all who I thought I was; who I tried to be. I'm Not who I WAS.
Have to continue to stay motivated & Become who God created me to be and no, overweight is not it. Time to embrace who I am!