Our True Failure

I get that a lot of women think that the main problem with Black people is the "fall" of the Black man, but from where I'm standing... It's actually the fall of the Black woman. It's the mothers who raise these Black men, marry them, have their children, and allow them to think that money is the only way. THAT'S the real issue. When we expect a man who was only taught how to be a provider to teach his son something more... You've failed. I truly am beginning to see that it takes a real woman to raise a son. The problem is that either women are looking for a man to do it for them, or they forget the values that prevented their son's father from being their son's role model. All the while, this boy is growing up and seeing you treated with disrespect or allowing others to take advantage of you. They see you giving yourself to a man who has yet to give himself to you. When you had this son... What were the values you intended to instill in them? What possibilities did you see him having? How did you anticipate him being the man you now see his father is not? If you cannot answer these questions... I dare say... You shouldn't have had a child. What values are you now instilling in your child(ren) that they can be better than their parents? What ADVANTAGES have you allotted him that he will be smarter, better equipped than you? These, my dearies are VITAL factors that a mother MUST take into thought while raising a child. Otherwise, your complaints are in vain.

I do not blame the fathers (although they are a SERIOUS disappointment at various times), but I blame the mothers because many times you have not only put yourselves in impossible situations, but you have now passed that situation, that circumstance onto your child. It was YOU who chose to raise a child without truly knowing his father. It was YOU who chose to have sex with this man. It was YOU who chose to say you understand him, but yet have not analyzed (in even the smallest capacity) the relationship this man has with his father & his mother. You have not taken into consideration his values and that someone who values only the visual advantages of money may not be a good person to teach your child the value of hard work and family, community, love, respect... How dare YOU blame him, when you are... raising him? Your son, he is, in essence, the remake of his father. And it is not just the absence of his father, or the lack of participation from his father that has caused your child to have problems. It is the lack of thought, participation from his mother when deciding to create her child. If you allowed yourself to be seduced by whatever this man (or boy, depending on your age) was offering you, then, my dear, that is what you have taught your son to be motivated to have. “A man is only going to do what you allow him to do” I HATE that quote, mainly because… it is true. The problem is… that NO ONE seems to see the problem in that. WHY are we not teaching our sons, the future men, to treat people with fairness and respect, NO MATTER what the person allows you to do? THAT is a problem. I REFUSE to let my future son (if I ever have one) think that treating a girl like a dog is ok if she lets him. You slapping me does not make it right just because I did not do anything to stop you from slapping me. Now, you may say I’m dumb if I let someone slap me. And AGAIN you miss the point. The point is not that I “let” someone do something to me; it IS that they thought it was okay to do it in the first place. People who victim blame, or who say that “you let…”, are only taking away from the real issue, and to me are just in denial of the mistakes that they made.

A child is a WONDERFUL gift. Parents want to make sure that their child has what they were not able to. But in order to do that, you have to think differently. And you should give yourself the chance to grow up, yourself before you put yourself in the position to be responsible for someone else's development. How can you possibly be prepared to teach your child values when you are currently at the beginning stages of developing your own? Why would you do that? A child gives you the opportunity to pass on your legacy, your beliefs, your dreams, to someone else and you waste such an opportunity when you tackle that task too soon. You waste it when you have yet to experience yourself; yet to know who you are or who you can become.

Now, I applaud the women who have managed to raise a child without experiencing any sad repercussions and those women who have been able to raise their child with wonderful values, but for the majority of the single mothers out there... This last note will not be condemning in its nature.  Simply put: We HAVE to do better and we HAVE to grow up. Our children are dependent on it.