National Suicide Prevention

I haven't written in a WHILE. Not since starting my true fitness journey in July. Today, however, I felt drawn to type about my car on Facebook; just to vent, and then it randomly turned into me exposing a little more about myself than I wanted to. But... With the way my year has been set up... I felt the need to make a little bit more noise...
Below you'll find what I posted, but since this is home I wanted to add a little more...
Mainly that this year has truly taken its toll on me. 

From my mom, to my job, to my friendships and my weight; I have felt terrible way more often than I have felt good. And although this is still a struggle, I finally see light. Some of the light has scared me and affected me in ways that brought feelings I still can't describe. Then there's the light of simply knowing that God has got me and on top of that... I cannot give up. 

I declared this year the year of Never Giving Up. And I forgot that, but yet it still took hold in my spirit; In my soul. 

I refuse to give up. 

And that is truly ALL GOD. 

And in knowing THAT brings me so much random bits of peace. Something else I can't describe.
So yea... In the midst of my sorrow and fear I'm grateful to God for instilling HOPE in me. And through hope I become resilient and strong and joyful...

My Fb post.
My car has been out of commission for almost 2 weeks.
Which means I haven't been able to go to church for 2 weeks and effectively doing my job has been THE struggle. I have been on one of the worst emotional, financial and spiritual rollercoasters of my life for 2 weeks.
My pride, my faith, my love, & my ability to cry have been tested several times this year and this was like the icing on the cake.

But I realized that no matter what happens to me...
(And as a person who struggles with anxiety, believe me when I say I thought of everything that could happen)...
I will ALWAYS declare Jesus is Lord;
God will ALWAYS be my Abba Father;
and I will ALWAYS remember the many ways God has shown up and showed out in my life.

I thank God for just being able to hold on to something. My past victories; His promises; and just Hope.
People don't always feel like they have those. Any of them.

And during National Suicide Prevention Week and more specifically this being National Suicide Prevention Day...
I felt that it was important for people to understand the power of Hope. The power of Faith. and the power in His Love.

There are people who struggle EVERY DAY living in their own heads. Tortured by the thought that, not only does life suck right now, but that there is no way it is going to get better or that the pain is not tolerable enough to hold on until it does.

There's that wonderful quote out there, I don't know who stated it, but it was a great truth.
"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the chances of it ever getting better."

And what people don't realize, sometimes, is the absolute Joy that you feel when things actually get better...

If we can, as a community, focus more on just instilling hope and strength and light into one another. If we could just be there for each other. Not to give advice all the time or correct all the time, but simply just listen and speak Life into each other...
Then prevention, instead of what always feels more like awareness... Would feel more attainable.

Just praying for people out there right now...

Be Great y'all.

❤❤
-Benita (:

Dating Jesus|| Forgiving God

Being in a relationship with Christ isn't always easy.
People tend to have this perception that once you get Saved or reborn or whatever that life is grand from there... but the reality is... it's tough. Maturing in Christ is probably the epitome of "The Struggle Life".

As a case manager a lot of the teams I work with get extra excited when I get assigned to them. Not because of me, but because of what I do. They have this idea in their head that life will be grand from that first meeting on...
And then... several months later when things are either the same or worse I have to have that conversation that "things will likely get worse before they get better".

Coming to Christ is sometimes like that. At first the sheer thought of finally accepting Christ builds you up & holds you over for a few months. After all, the weight of unforgiveness is heavy so being able to accept God's forgiveness and having that load removed makes EVERYTHING feel better.

But then... reality starts to set in. Change isn't happening as fast as you thought it would. In fact, you find that you're having to put in a little more effort just to feel peace. You start to see things within yourself that you never noticed before. You start noticing that some of the people in your life aren't who you thought they were and you notice some of the hurt you either hadn't remembered or hadn't realized.

This is when forgiveness and trust start to become an issue. Not that you need to forgive people, but you have to forgive God (not because He did something wrong, but because we feel that He did).
In the midst of your hurt, you start to feel even greater hurt because God didn't stop the pain or because God allowed you to experience a time in your life that you would have rather been omitted from your story.

And that causes some bitterness. And... you hit a wall.
The moment I realized I had to put an effort into trusting God was after I hit this wall for the first time.

All my life I was taught to love God & worship Him and have faith, but no one ever taught me that these things aren't instant. And trusting God will only come when you forgive Him...
And the easiest way to forgive is to understand His Word & KNOW that ALL things work together for the good to them that Love the Lord & are called according to His purpose.
And remember that OUR purpose is to Glorify God & bring people to Him.

So... even if you don't know WHY that particular something happened. Know that it is in the benefit of you. Either simply to give you a reason to come to him or as complex as being a testimony for someone you may never meet.

Stay Blessed y'all, 

♡♥

-Benita (:

**photo: excerpt from The Purpose Driven Life**