National Suicide Prevention

I haven't written in a WHILE. Not since starting my true fitness journey in July. Today, however, I felt drawn to type about my car on Facebook; just to vent, and then it randomly turned into me exposing a little more about myself than I wanted to. But... With the way my year has been set up... I felt the need to make a little bit more noise...
Below you'll find what I posted, but since this is home I wanted to add a little more...
Mainly that this year has truly taken its toll on me. 

From my mom, to my job, to my friendships and my weight; I have felt terrible way more often than I have felt good. And although this is still a struggle, I finally see light. Some of the light has scared me and affected me in ways that brought feelings I still can't describe. Then there's the light of simply knowing that God has got me and on top of that... I cannot give up. 

I declared this year the year of Never Giving Up. And I forgot that, but yet it still took hold in my spirit; In my soul. 

I refuse to give up. 

And that is truly ALL GOD. 

And in knowing THAT brings me so much random bits of peace. Something else I can't describe.
So yea... In the midst of my sorrow and fear I'm grateful to God for instilling HOPE in me. And through hope I become resilient and strong and joyful...

My Fb post.
My car has been out of commission for almost 2 weeks.
Which means I haven't been able to go to church for 2 weeks and effectively doing my job has been THE struggle. I have been on one of the worst emotional, financial and spiritual rollercoasters of my life for 2 weeks.
My pride, my faith, my love, & my ability to cry have been tested several times this year and this was like the icing on the cake.

But I realized that no matter what happens to me...
(And as a person who struggles with anxiety, believe me when I say I thought of everything that could happen)...
I will ALWAYS declare Jesus is Lord;
God will ALWAYS be my Abba Father;
and I will ALWAYS remember the many ways God has shown up and showed out in my life.

I thank God for just being able to hold on to something. My past victories; His promises; and just Hope.
People don't always feel like they have those. Any of them.

And during National Suicide Prevention Week and more specifically this being National Suicide Prevention Day...
I felt that it was important for people to understand the power of Hope. The power of Faith. and the power in His Love.

There are people who struggle EVERY DAY living in their own heads. Tortured by the thought that, not only does life suck right now, but that there is no way it is going to get better or that the pain is not tolerable enough to hold on until it does.

There's that wonderful quote out there, I don't know who stated it, but it was a great truth.
"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the chances of it ever getting better."

And what people don't realize, sometimes, is the absolute Joy that you feel when things actually get better...

If we can, as a community, focus more on just instilling hope and strength and light into one another. If we could just be there for each other. Not to give advice all the time or correct all the time, but simply just listen and speak Life into each other...
Then prevention, instead of what always feels more like awareness... Would feel more attainable.

Just praying for people out there right now...

Be Great y'all.

❤❤
-Benita (:

Dating Jesus || 30-day Challenge

Happy Friday's Eve!

Last week I posted about staying committed and the challenges I've recently had with improving my relationship with Christ. 

Today I'm going to start a challenge that was first introduced to me last December by my church's Young Adult ministry (CORE) leader. It's actually what inspired the name "Dating Jesus" in the first place.

For 30-days Commit to spending 40 minutes each day Dating (or getting to know) God.

This consists of 4 elements:
1) Spend 10 minutes reading the Bible
2) Spend 5 minutes praying
3) Spend 15 minutes meditating/listening to God (it helped me to keep a notepad around so I could write what I felt I was hearing)
And...
4) Spend the last 10 minutes in praise & worship. 
Here's the fun part...
You praise & worship with no music (as in no recorded music)

Doing this (although I fell off after 2-weeks... just being honest) really helped me see where I was falling off with my relationship with God. And it was during those "dates" that I saw how important it is to remember that this IS a relationship that I Chose to enter into and just like any relationship, communication is key.

God communicates with Us through his Word. We communicate with his through prayer. And when it comes to praise & worship... well who DOESN'T like to feel validated? God said himself that he is a jealous God. During those moments of praise & worship I truly had to think about why I love Him and who He is to Me. I wasn't just singing along with a song I remembered most of yhe words to.. This was my moment to be completely mindful of what I was saying.

At one point I couldn't figure out the RIGHT words to say. So I Googled the names of God. Some may be familiar with terms like Yahweh, Jehovah Jireh (or Yireh), or El Shaddai, but if you're likee you either had NO idea what those terms mean or you just didn't feel that they resonated with you. So, lucky me I previously attended a Women's Bible study a few years back that solely focused on the different names of God. I lost the paper that gave each name (per the Bible) & their meaning, but I know almost Anything can be found on Google. Lol
As such I did my search and came across so many names. I actually found a website that gave a great list with the meanings and verses.

As I was looking at the list, I came across the term "Abba Father" which basically means "Daddy". Not in the "Baby Daddy" form but in the "my Daddy", "my Dad", my provider, protector, teacher, disciplinarian, informal doctor, and whatever other role those Dad's play. When I saw that term, I immediately attached to it. THAT is who God has been to me. He's convicted me, forgiven me, punished me, praised me, guided me, protected me... Loved ME! Unconditionally. So I HAD to thank Him and honor Him. Just for being my Abba Father.

I say all this because one of the biggest mistakes we can make as Christians is getting stuck in a routine with our praise and worship. We say "Hallelujah" simply because we know it is the "highest praise" but we fail to try and figure out what exactly we are trying to praise God for. And who wants an pseudo-praise with no real reason behind it? Let's work on really praising & worshipping God "in Spirit and in truth" like the Bible instructs us.

One thing that helps me keep Him in mind is that I literally have an alarm that goes off each day with the title "Date Time". Corny? Yes, but effective.

I hope you try this challenge again with me and know that I REALLY want to hear from you on how you're doing and what was easy or hard.

Do what works for you. And if one day you forget, it happens. God's mercy is new EVERY morning so there's no need to stress or feel like you've failed at something. The purpose is to never give up on your relationship with God. It doesn't have to look just like everyone else's but you can't really consider it functional if you don't get to know Who it is you're in a relationship with for yourself.

Just think about how much you'd believe that you're friend, or boyfriend, or parent (for all intents and purposes) really loved you if they only told you through their "best friend". This relationship is reciprocal that way because God needs to hear from you just as much as you need to hear from Him.

Ok. Im out. I have a date that I'm kind of late for....

Stay Blessed y'all.

♡♥
-Benita (:

Dating Jesus || In ALL things... Have Grace

If I've learned one thing during my weight-loss journey it is the importance of having grace for myself.

I know this series usually focuses on my relationship with God, but for me, my weight-loss/fitness journey is my visual representation of my walk with Christ. For me, I can see no difference between how I take care of my body & how I worship God. After all, we are called to worship and honor God with our bodies [Romans 12:1; 1 Corinthians 6:20]. So it only makes since that I use this example when talking about grace.

Currently I am in this place in my weight-loss journey that I've seen before. Feeling a little hopeless. Hopeless because of countless attempts to eat better and exercise but I keep allowing myself to be distracted or unmotivated. I fail. And because I keep telling myself that I'm failing or I suck at this, I remain in this pattern of self-hate. And that's unhealthy.

So, I had to step back (and really I have to do this often) and remind myself that I truly can start over at any time. And although I might be operating in fear right now, God has given me grace and victory over anything. I have to remind myself that every error I make is just that, an error. It's a part of the journey and I can't hold onto a false belief that I'm going to get everything right the first time I try. I spent 20+ years creating bad habits for myself. One day won't immediately erase those habits.

You have to have grace and allow for mistakes because in all realness; You're learning how to live again.

The same thing can be said for your Spiritual journey. You're a new creation which means old things are officially in the past, but this doesn't mean old habits just end. It doesn't mean old beliefs that we held on to just go away. And this doesn't mean you will automatically be able to do everything you're supposed to do the first time you try. This is why I choose to emphasize this as a "journey".

Ultimately God intends to work on us as individuals and as a Body until the day Jesus returns [ Philippians 1:6]. This means there will always be areas of growth and improvement. And this means that there will also be times where we fall short or even give up. That's the human in us. The goal, however is that, eventually, we become completely Spirit led.

The thing about that is, we have to put in a lot of effort and time throughout our lives in order to know God's will for us and in order to do His will. Again, this is where error is expected. And this is why God's grace is sufficient. We just don't want to become dependent on Grace when we can do better with His Spirit in us. God's grace is what has frees us from having to live in sin [Galatians 5:13; Romans 6].

So... today, I'm going to walk in God's grace and forgive myself for the mistakes I make along this journey to full health. I will proclaim victory over my entire life because God has graced me with it. And I will NEVER give up on myself because God chose me and adopted me. Because God needs me to help Glorify Him. And God loves me so much that he allowed Jesus to be crucified for me.

I will rebuke any thoughts that attempt to keep me trapped in my old ways and rebuke myself if needed.

I pray that in all things... we ALL experience and dwell in God's grace & glory.

Stay Blessed y'all.

♡♥
-Benita

Dating Jesus || Staying Committed

I have a confession...

I have a problem with commitment.

Not in relationships... well, I guess in relationships, but not the kind you're probably thinking of.
You see, I have a problem with committing to myself.
With committing to changing myself fully; with committing to accepting my purpose; and really, with committing to my personal relationship with God.

I'm a faster... as in, I fast, kind of often... well, at least I try to.
In 2012, when I did my first fast, I must say, although it was a challenge, once I got the hang of it & made it a habit with purpose, I was good. At one point I fasted for 40-days. I'm not bragging, because the circumstance kind of required it, but I'm just saying...that was me over a year ago.

But then...2013 came. Last March I wrote a piece on "No Compromising Season"... that was the season I was in. During that time, it was my intent to fast again because I'd noticed a few things and I felt my flesh getting too strong. I had started to lose control.
Before I move on, I feel that it's necessary to reiterate that when it comes to my relationship with God; my physical health is pretty much my visual indicator of how I'm doing. (And on a funnier note, I've kind of used my natural hair journey as an indicator too).
So last March when I noticed my weight gain + my hair breakage I was perplexed. I had felt that I was doing the right things in my walk to at least maintain a healthy weight (and healthy hair), but my body said otherwise. So when I wrote "No Compromising Season" I had a few revelations. The biggest one being... I was allowing myself to be content with mediocre efforts.
The reality was, although my eating wasn't horrible,  I was inconsistent. And didn't go to the gym. And when it came to my relationship with God, I went to church, but had stopped meditating on God's Word as soon as I felt that His Spirit was no longer responding to the effort.

I had become lax... I had started comprising during the process. RIGHT when I had to start making a little more effort, I fell off. And that is how I became vulnerable. The minute I let go of what worked was the minute the enemy crept in and presented me with opportunity after opportunity to forget where I was going and why. And with some of the smallest of thing. God had continued to tell me I was in a season where I couldn't compromise within the journey, but the longer I ignored that voice the easier it was to give in and indulge in things that weren't good for me. I, in essence, started cheating on God. I couldn't see it though because it was nothing "major". I still attended church & served, & listened to Christian music every morning. I just listened to my secular music the rest of the day and had stopped making efforts to improve my service or even make sure I did it to glorify Him instead of myself. 
As a result... eventually I couldn't even tell whose voice I was hearing; who I was really devoting myself to; whose spirit I was really walking in.

And I'm still in the struggle. It's better, but after a year of compromises, I've found that the things that I used to do, like fasting, take 4x as much effort a day than it did that first time. And that's a scary place to be.
I said a while ago that I will never give up on my fitness journey and this goes for maturing in Christ as well.
He didn't create me to be mediocre. He created me to glorify Him. He created me to be His child. He created me to be set apart. And for a God that loved me so much that He died for me... I can never give up allowing my flesh to die for Him. And for the God who rose from the dead for me... I will always take each day to rise out of my failures for Him.
It won't be easy, and that's ok. Because I am His I receive victory. Because of His Spirit in me & His grace, I have strength & wisdom. Because of His Word I have all the weapons I need to be an overcomer.

And the same goes for you! Today you may not be the best "Christian" you can be or life may generally suck; that doesn't mean you can just do the "fade away" with God. One, He's good for chasing after you. Lol. And, Two, He deserves better. 

How can you get re-committed?

Seek His face... get to know who God is; how he operates; for yourself. Take a little time (5 minutes never hurt anyone). Read His Word & pray. Keep a verse in your head for the day. Learn who He is.

I personally love Psalms 119... longest book in the Bible, but probably contains something for everyone. One verse from that can reveal your heart. Give it a try... you have to start somewhere. 

Ok.
This is way longer than I thought it would be, but... this is me at 12am on a weekday like I don't have to work in less than 8 hours.

Stay Blessed y'all.

♡♥
-Benita (: