Why I WON'T Be Participating in the "Blackout"

I'm over y'all.
My thoughts at 10:44pm. Just about 4 hours after they announced the Grand Jury's decision NOT to indict Darren Wilson for the murder or 19-year old Mike Brown

Less than 5 hours and I am completely over y'all.
And by "y'all", I mean my peers. My fellow black adults; old and young; I'm over you all.

From riots to peaceful protests to "#NoJusticeNoPeace"... I am tired.
I'm tired of everything being a trend, a fad, a bandwagon for you to feel included. I'm tired of the news & "#Ferguson" being all but MIA with the Mike Brown case for... (how long ago was Mike Brown killed? 100 days?) so... for approximately 95 days.
I'm tired of bootleg protests and makeshift petitions.
I'm tired of basic reposts of a repost of a tweet that you ONLY reposted because it sounded cool, but you didn't even bother to go on Twitter and at least look at what was being said, in full context, by the person you reposted.
Better yet, join the conversation.
but no... That's a little too much. Maybe it requires a little bit more knowledge and work than you think is necessary.
We ALL know this is a crisis, right?
If this is how you act in a crisis... Remind me to identify some alternative hotlines.

I'm tired y'all. My heart is heavy and I want to speak, but I feel like a moment of silence is more needed.
I feel like a moment of more than 1 hour of planning a protest is needed.
I feel like a time to come together and get on the same page, in person, not via repost, is needed...

I love the age of technology. The message and the news spreads so quickly, but just as quickly, the fire burns out.
I can't deal.
We can't deal, or grow, or be... Like this...
I NEED to get involved. Life is TOO short, my weekends are TOO long.
Although I claim this as a lie every Monday... THIS Monday is a little different.
Today, I'm tired.
And not just because my day at work was long, but because I discovered, or rather it was reaffirmed, just how long this has been going on...
Not just the hate; not just the cycle of discrimination; but the cycle of passive aggressiveness amongst my peers.
Within myself.
I can't deal like this y'all.
There's far too much love, too much PASSION inside of me to go on like this.

I'm not saying stop... I'm saying DON'T STOP!
Don't stop paying attention just because it's no longer a trending topic.
Don't stop just because no one liked it as much.
Don't stop.
Do not stop trying.
If we really care about this, seriously care. Then at some point more moves need to be made than running into a store and looting.
More moves need to be made than screenshotting an awesome post so that you can post it too.
MOVES need to be made.

And that means time and effort needs to be given.
Time like the time put into The Montgomery Bus Boycott (because Rosa Parks was handpicked to sit there, FYI).
Time like the time put into preparing for sit-ins and Freedom Rides, & school integrations.
Not the time it took you to read this (and yes, I'm aware this is "long").

I'm done just watching everyone fall off then not saying anything until the news brings it up again.
I'm ready to get involved.
I mean, INvolved.
because I'm SO over the alternative.

Because I LOVE the fire, but the smoke seems to last longer these days.

Dating Jesus || Don't Let Fear Prevent Praise

This weekend has been crazy. I'm still not sure exactly how i feel, but... I feel much better after writing this.
I can be pretty open, but these past few months have been difficult for me so I've been pretty shut off, hence my not writing. However, these days, in spite of my increased feelings if anxiety, I feel better. Mainly because I'm seeing more and more that if I say what's in my head... I can likely get someone to shine some light and speak some life into me. So my peace increases.
With this, I figured I'd share one of the recent lessons I learned and try to work on continuing my "Dating Jesus" series.
Here ya go and I hope this helps.
Also, I'm going to reference some of the scriptures that are helping me rebuke the lies and embrace His truth.

So... I got a new car yesterday...
And instead of being happy about the blessing that is the ability to be on the road again (including, but not limited to: being able to run my needed errands w/out the task of defeating feelings of pride & guilt, being able to do my job better, AND getting back to receiving my mileage reimbursement) I found myself depressed, disappointed, guilty, and still anxious.

Then today, while expressing my thoughts for the 10th time or so... I realized what was happening...
I was allowing fear to begat fear and, in tern, prevent me from praising God...

I was feeling completely wrong because my action WAS made off of fear so I felt that it was only just that God allow me to fall so I didn't thank Him... At all. I'm not saying that this was all blessed by God, but I AM saying God will bless me.

I'm not perfect. There are times when I have and probably will foolishly ignore wisdom or fall victim to my lack of faith, but God is my Father. He is my guide and He is not in the business of letting me fall [Psalms 55:22, Hebrews 13:5-6]. This may be a lesson, but in the midst of it, I can't refuse to thank God for giving me what I asked for... And ultimately this is Grace activated.

He's over here preparing me and even allowing me to see how I can be better in the future; who i can talk to; how to move forward, but I was focused on things I can't change anymore.

He has given me victory, peace, joy, grace, and He has promised me that all things will work for the good [Isaiah 12:2, Philipians 4:7 Psalms 46:10, Matthew 21:28, Ephesians, Psalms 119:143, Romans 8:28]. I'm NOT going to allow fear to override my praise. I'm NOT going to forget that God is able to do WAY more than I can ask or think [Ephesians 3:20]. And I'm NOT going to forget that God chose Me so He's got me [Romans 8:28-30].

Stay Blessed y'all
❤❤
-Benita

National Suicide Prevention

I haven't written in a WHILE. Not since starting my true fitness journey in July. Today, however, I felt drawn to type about my car on Facebook; just to vent, and then it randomly turned into me exposing a little more about myself than I wanted to. But... With the way my year has been set up... I felt the need to make a little bit more noise...
Below you'll find what I posted, but since this is home I wanted to add a little more...
Mainly that this year has truly taken its toll on me. 

From my mom, to my job, to my friendships and my weight; I have felt terrible way more often than I have felt good. And although this is still a struggle, I finally see light. Some of the light has scared me and affected me in ways that brought feelings I still can't describe. Then there's the light of simply knowing that God has got me and on top of that... I cannot give up. 

I declared this year the year of Never Giving Up. And I forgot that, but yet it still took hold in my spirit; In my soul. 

I refuse to give up. 

And that is truly ALL GOD. 

And in knowing THAT brings me so much random bits of peace. Something else I can't describe.
So yea... In the midst of my sorrow and fear I'm grateful to God for instilling HOPE in me. And through hope I become resilient and strong and joyful...

My Fb post.
My car has been out of commission for almost 2 weeks.
Which means I haven't been able to go to church for 2 weeks and effectively doing my job has been THE struggle. I have been on one of the worst emotional, financial and spiritual rollercoasters of my life for 2 weeks.
My pride, my faith, my love, & my ability to cry have been tested several times this year and this was like the icing on the cake.

But I realized that no matter what happens to me...
(And as a person who struggles with anxiety, believe me when I say I thought of everything that could happen)...
I will ALWAYS declare Jesus is Lord;
God will ALWAYS be my Abba Father;
and I will ALWAYS remember the many ways God has shown up and showed out in my life.

I thank God for just being able to hold on to something. My past victories; His promises; and just Hope.
People don't always feel like they have those. Any of them.

And during National Suicide Prevention Week and more specifically this being National Suicide Prevention Day...
I felt that it was important for people to understand the power of Hope. The power of Faith. and the power in His Love.

There are people who struggle EVERY DAY living in their own heads. Tortured by the thought that, not only does life suck right now, but that there is no way it is going to get better or that the pain is not tolerable enough to hold on until it does.

There's that wonderful quote out there, I don't know who stated it, but it was a great truth.
"Suicide doesn't end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the chances of it ever getting better."

And what people don't realize, sometimes, is the absolute Joy that you feel when things actually get better...

If we can, as a community, focus more on just instilling hope and strength and light into one another. If we could just be there for each other. Not to give advice all the time or correct all the time, but simply just listen and speak Life into each other...
Then prevention, instead of what always feels more like awareness... Would feel more attainable.

Just praying for people out there right now...

Be Great y'all.

❤❤
-Benita (: